Mad Early

I'm trying out signing my work emails with "Cheers,". I'm going for kind of a dignified, "You should know I'm going out of my way to write you this email but hey I'm happy to do it, because I'm just that kind of girl" kind of vibe. So naturally, I thought "England. Bingo."

To be honest it's not really working for me. it doesn't feel right. Last time I checked, since I started my job in 2015, I had sent some 4,000 + emails (and yes, I check. I like knowing my stats). For a while I was using "Best," which now that I'm thinking about it also feels very British. I try not to use "Thank you" to end my emails, because then I get into the habit of saying "Thank you" even when the email was just to provide information and there is nothing to thank anyone for.

If I look to my higher up colleagues from over the years, I should just omit the closing entirely. Don't even sign my name. In fact, don't even address it. And spell a few words incorrectly. If I'm feeling really feisty I could even put the question as the subject line and leave the body of the email completely naked. But I know you have to earn that level of not giving a fuck.

Which brings me to my Text Of The Day (heretofore known as the "TOTD", in case this becomes a bit):

Time: 9:00 PM EST
From: <Not saved in my phone>
Message: Do you like getting head

Context: (oh, do you need context? FINE) I went to Union Pool a couple of months ago with Julie (sister), as you do. A guy came up and hit on me. He got my number, we had coffee once, which was decent. He asked me to hang out a couple of days later, on a Saturday at 9PM. Less than an hour before I was supposed to meet him, he blew me off. When I gave him a hard time (because nope.) his response was "My bad. <five minute pause> It's still mad early though."

Now I have to give him credit for the "mad early" thing because it was hilarious in that not on purpose way and now it's how my friends and I refer to bullshit non-excuses people give for things (i.e., "Yo did you eat all of my cereal?" "My bad. It's still mad early though.")

But that was that, until today. Two months later. A Thursday evening. "Do you like getting head" A text like this pisses me off because there are SO MANY HILARIOUS AND WTF-ISH THINGS I WANT TO RESPOND but I can't on principle because any response would be acknowledging that his non-question was something you can text someone you're not dating at all and it's nooootttttttttt.

I don't know what he wants but I'm 100% not interested. I wasn't cool with you flaking on me, but I absolutely will NOT tolerate someone denying me an opportunity to say something snarky.