Unwindulaxin' with Reality

I'm not sure I've ever worked at anything my life as hard as this girl is on The Bachelor right now trying to talk about herself. This season is hardcore Benjamin Button-ing. We're on episode 2, and there have been 2 inSANEly girlfriend-y one-on-one dates.

Date one. At this point, I am at the peak of my engagement with this show. Just sitting back on my couch with my feet up, like "Wow me, bitches." Bitches being what I call ABC.

The bachelor this season is this guy Arie, who is a part time race car driver, part time realtor, and full time creepy thirsty single guy.

For date number one, he picks up the girl on his motorcycle. Already you've lost me. Motorcycles are dangerous. I'm not getting on your motorcycle, unless your motorcycle is actually a portal to 2005 when I was young and dumb(er.) After they head out, the (brilliant) editors cut to the girls who weren't chosen. I feel slightly vindicated when one of them goes "My father was in a horrible motorcycle accident. It ruined his life." But then she followed it up with "So if it were me I would have had to mention that to him before I got on." I'm sorry, WHAT? You're still getting on, crazy?

He takes her to this house in the middle of nowhere, where apparently he's been keeping Rachel Zoe for what I'm assuming is weeks without food and the date activity is... the girl trying on clothes. That's the plan for the afternoon. We watch as Rachel Zoe tries to earn her freedom from ABC's indentured servitude program by plying Becca H. (or Lauren S. or whatever) with expensive dresses that Arie is pleased to announce that she "can keep!" Then he gives her a pair of Louboutins and some insane diamond necklace. But he's super not buying her affection. That's not it at all.

While she's going through her weird, solitary makeover at the hands of the world's youngest old lady, he just sits on the couch and watches.

The date ends with a dinner where the couple sits together and, by candlelight, Arie tells her that he thinks she's really down to earth and special, which is fascinating that he knows seeing as he hasn't asked her a single question about herself.

Date number two consists of him flying a different girl TO SCOTTSDALE TO SEE HIS APARTMENT AND THEN MEET HIS PARENTS. That is, date two total. Date one with this particular girl.

At this rate, the final date will be happy hour drinks at a conveniently located bar and he'll wear bad shoes.

Ok ok. I know. You don't watch it. You're a more complete person than I am and I commend you for that.

(Wait but which one do you think is worse, killing a bunch of people or describing your son to the guy you're dating on a reality show as "the other man in my life"?)