Valentine's Meet Market

Hi guys! It's Valentine's Day! I know this because this guy I'm hanging out with texted me "Happy Valentine's Day" and I ate a bunch of chocolate that I bought for myself #traditions

This marks the very first Draft blog post written on actual loose leaf paper. It's not even housed in a binder, these are true leaves of loose paper. It feels weird but three sentences in I'm already feeling my muscle memory come to my rescue. I know that I have years worth of handwritten journals packed away in boxes. They're crazy reads, mostly because of an acute lack of editing. Writing in a journal with a pen means a) you're pretty much stuck with what you've got down and b) it's fine because the intended audience is a whopping one person- and you know that she (you)(me) will cut you some serious slack.

Typing into a browser, for a larger group, is a completely different concept. As meandering as this all seems, it's usually not the first draft that I write that ends up live on the internet. Even now, I'm already looking forward to typing this up and doing a couple of passes to punch up the language before I make it available for your beautiful, blue light damaged eyes.

The other day my sister tagged me in a Time Out New York post, part of their series called "The Undateables" where they "take two undateable New Yorkers and put our matchmaking skills to the test." 

It was cringeworthy, and I was overcome with a wave of relief that I had never had a date quite as bad as the one described in the column (when she asked him what his favorite film was, he just answered "porn") Along with the relief, however, came some clearly repressed memories of my experience with the NY Post's "Meet Market" column.

For those of you unfamiliar, the NY Post is like a newspaper, but worse. It's what you would want to have handy if, say, you're rabbit sitting for the daughter of your company's VP Creative and the cage is freshly cleaned and the bunny's got that gleam in her eye that comes right before a good pee. So naturally, when someone from the Post reached out to me on OkCupid in 2012 (Jesus Christ, I've been on these dating sites for eons) and invited me to participate in their blind date column, I responded with an enthusiastic "You guys would pay for it, right?"

They brought me into their offices to ask me a few questions about myself and take an only mildly unflattering picture of me. They explained how it would work- every week, the person in the hot seat is presented with three options of people to go out with. They would take whoever they picked out on a date, which would be planned (and paid for!) by the Post. The person they chose would have no info about, or picture of, the one who had picked them. A couple of weeks later, I received an email informing me that I had been chosen. I imagine Harry Potter felt similarly when he found out how special he was.

So this is how I found myself at a bowling alley near Union Square, waiting for someone I didn't know a single thing about.

Now, listen. I know what you're thinking. "Rose, that's great! I'm sure the NY Post, a publication known for its integrity and attention to detail, probably used an advanced algorithm to present the chooser with choosees who offer different but equally legitimate complementary personalities in order to create lasting romantic bonds!" I know! You really would think that! Unfortunately, this particular match was less than perfect, or, you know good, at all.

It being 5 years ago, I don't remember most of the date. I do remember that he was very nice. I also remember that he struggled to come up with his top 5 albums. Expanding it to "5 albums you like" didn't see to help, then in a desperate attempt - "ok, 5 albums you've listened to in your life".  He mumbled something about Lupe Fiasco and then I proceeded to kick his ass at bowling. Poor guy. If you are a living, breathing human person you should be able to beat me at bowling.

We never made it to my favorite get-to-know-you question, which of course is "What famous person would you definitely sleep with but then be embarrassed about it later?" (for the record, my answers: Seth MacFarlane and present-day Haley Joel Osment)(embarrassed, remember.)

The next day we were sent questionnaires to fill out about the date. I did my best to be gracious and nice. And succinct. And when the column came out, I was pleased to find that it was extremely boring. I never saw the guy again, and not a single person I knew actually ever stumbled across the article on their own.

And now, as a Valentine's Day gift, I'm sharing the original NY Post columns with you- the one where I was pitted against two other woman, AND the recap of our magical date. 

Love you all. Happy Valentine's Day xxoo