Rose For You

I been watching a lot of Nathan For You lately. I'm feeling sort of numb these days which works out great. It takes the edge off of the wonderful extended cringe that is the show.

I love love love it, and I have a massive crush on Nathan Fielder in a way that feels completely out of my hands. I always like the funny ones. Funny’s hot. I mean the ones who are actually funny, not the ones who declare their own incessant shit talking "funny" and then ask why you can't take a joke. I mean the real life, honest-to-god funny ones.

Now I know what you’re thinking- Rose, are you attracted to him because he’s funny or because he’s famous? It’s a good question- experience has told me that I don’t need them to be any real level of recognizable. But to be fair, if others also find a guy funny, that's only ever gonna help.

While I love the show, I can’t help but ponder how the people feel about how they're ultimately portrayed on the show, and, almost more importantly, why they EVER agreed to sign the appearance release I assume was hastily shoved in their face. I like to flex my limited legal skills at work just to keep my contract reading from getting too rusty. I need to make sure I don't end up getting sweet talked into agreeing to be on TV, or into doing anything I guess, while potentially relinquishing my control over the details. Even if I thought for some reason that I would be portrayed in a sympathetic way, are those the dice you wanna roll? Everyone ends up looking terrible on reality TV. Everyone. Hard pass.

Calling it empathy is maybe a stretch but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel anxiety on the subjects’ behalf. I just know that I, Maureen Rose Seyfried, hate the feeling when the rules have abruptly changed. Think about how you’re feeling right now. Sit in that feeling of shock and unease over it just now becoming clear that Rose is actually my middle name, not my first name like you’ve understandably assumed from the beginning. Unsettling, no?

I like to know that even if I'm failing, that at the very least I understand what led to this moment of failure. I'm familiar with the yardstick. So it triggers a lot of inner turmoil when it becomes apparent that the rules I'm playing by are suddenly altered. Up is down. Light is dark. Avril Lavigne is still relevant. It's fucking chaos.

That's what it feels like right now dating. Like everything's changed and I just don't get it anymore. I did, at one point. At least I think I did. I could pretty confidently gauge how interested in me someone was with a low margin of error, based on standard things like their overall behavior and their words, and the effort they put into getting dressed when they knew they were going to see me.

But now it feels like all bets are off. First dates cancel on me while I'm on the way to meet them. I'll have an amazing date and never hear from the guy again. A while back I went out with a guy who was leading really strongly with the whole "I don't play games" brand and very explicitly stated multiple times that he's always up front about his feelings. We had one of those first dates where everything felt good, no awkward pauses, physical chemistry. Not a Trumper. When I got home, he texted me, proactively offering that it was one of the best first dates he'd had in a long time. And that was the last time I heard from Matt. Back when the phone was attached to the wall, in olden times, I can only imagine this would not have flown. It's a new phenomenon, the extreme disposability of new connections. It's like we've all given up before we started and it makes me a little sad and a lot tired.

I don’t feel rejected, exactly, and on a higher level I know that all of my primary sources are bullets dodged. And it isn't every guy. But I just feel like I missed one practice and when I came back they had changed the team name and colors. And the location of the match. And the sport. And I'm just expected to stride onto the field/court/beach and confidently play a new game they invented while I was walking out across the rink/track/pool (like Jesus.)